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By David Pelligrinelli
I'll bet that you can think of a conflict or dispute in your life that you wish you could make go away. And you are not alone, it is likely that everyone you know, from family, friends, colleagues, and co-workers, each has some type of friction with another person that is ongoing. It could be a minor squabble over an expense all the way up to a major row regarding a large life issue.
Any type of dispute, left unresolved, can and will create further problems for all the parties. It will occupy attention in your mind, displacing other productive thoughts and ideas. The problem will escalate between the parties, collecting other unrelated issues, dragging them into the conflict. It will also ensnare those around you, forcing them to be counselors to hear your frustrations, or to take a side.
Thankfully, there are steps that any person can take to dissolve a festering disagreement and free the distraction. Even as professional mediators, we each have pending squabbles that we all wish to improve.
The first and most important step is to create emotional distance from the personal insult you feel about the conflict. Even if there is legitimate disrespect from the other party, dwelling in that hurt will interfere with any resolution. Put that aside, the best that you can, before doing anything else. In a formal high level conflict resolution, such as a mediated litigation, that is the primary role of the mediator or arbitrator, to be an emotional buffer between the disputants, a neutral third party without a "dog in the hunt." So if you are working on a personal conflict, be your own mediator first, and go into "don't take it personal" mode. This is much easier for me to say, than for you to actually do.
Second, look at all the facets of the conflict, and identify which ones are already in agreement, or functionally close. Then isolate the remaining items which have a larger delta.
Third, begin a dialog with the other party, and ask them to describe their point of view on the matter. Let them talk, filibuster, and run off from the mouth for longer than you are comfortable with. Certainly, do not accept verbal abuse or insults, but the more that you can diplomatically let the other side be heard, you will find that many of the disputed points will magically melt on their own.
Last, address the remaining items with "what if" suggestions. "I am not sure if I could make this work, but what if I was willing to (state your offering), would that be a good place to make this work for us?" Throughout the process, introduce intermittent examples of very firm direction, and even glimpses of dominance, to let the other party that you are being responsible for leading the conversation.
If you combine the patience of a saint, the insight of a teacher, and step out of your own defensiveness, you will be able to perform the magic trick of conflict resolution.
If you are a professional mediator reading this, share these ideas along with your own elevated knowledge of conflicts to those in your personal circle. Everyone has a need to extract themself with honor from a dispute. If you are a person who is interested in the field of conflict resolution and mediation, follow our association and consider joining for regular skill building and networking information.
If you are a general human being, use these tips to try and de-escalate the disputes in your life, or consider involving a professional mediator to take the pressure off of yourself.
Welcome to IMA Member Spotlight, where we take a closer look at individual IMA members and why they became mediators.
Meet IMA board member Julie Black-Henry, a certified professional mediator (CPM), senior paralegal and owner of Idaho Mediation, LLC. Her 20 years of experience as a paralegal and work as a court-approved instructor inform her mediation practice.
Here are a few questions IMA posed to Julie and her responses: Q: When and why did you become a mediator?
A: I became a CPM in October 2022 because I have always enjoyed helping clients come to a resolution as a paralegal in their cases. I decided since I assisted clients for years in doing so, that I would make it official and become a CPM.
Q: When and why did you join the IMA?
A: I joined IMA four years ago to become a "Certified Professional Mediator" and be added to the Idaho Supreme Court List of Child Custody Mediators.
Q: What types of mediation do you practice?
A: Primarily Family law cases; however, I have experience in all civil cases, including evictions, workplace mediation, and church conflicts.
Q: Are you a CPM in any other states?
A: I am a CPM in Idaho only, and have provided mediations in Oregon, Washington and California.
Q: When you’re not working, how do you enjoy spending your time?
A: I love spending time with my children and grandchildren, going to sporting events and concerts. I spend as much time as I can outdoors and enjoy what Idaho has to offer.
Q: What is one tip or piece of advice you would like to share with other mediators?
A: Being a mediator is like learning a new job every day. Each mediation session is different, and each person's situation is a little different. Understanding that every scenario does not fit in one box will make you a successful mediator. Q: Is there anything else you would like us to know about you?
A: I have been a paralegal for almost 20 years and teach a course called Bridging Two Homes for all counties in the State of Idaho that is ordered by the courts. I am co-owner of Idaho Mediation and Resolution Center, Inc, a local Non-Profit 501c3 Organization assisting the community with mediation services, restorative justice practices, and training needs.
Q: Please share with us one fun fact about yourself.
A: I am a ride-or-die DODGERS FAN.
Thank you, Julie, for participating in our IMA Member Spotlight!
As a Certified Divorce Lending Professional (CDLP®), I understand that divorce presents difficult decisions—especially when it comes to the family home. My approach is to keep things simple yet strategic with the K.I.S.S. principle—Knowledge, Insight, Strategies, and Solutions. I’ll help you navigate the complexities of divorce mortgage planning, ensuring that the choices you make today support both your immediate needs and long-term financial well-being. Whether you’re looking to keep, sell, or refinance your property, I’m here to provide clear guidance and a solid plan for the future.
Let’s work together to take the stress out of your real estate decisions: https://divorcebriefings.com/KISS
#DivorceMortgagePlanning #RealEstateInDivorce #CDLP #FinancialFuture #DivorceSupport
Meet mediator Leigh Barer, current Secretary on the IMA Board of directors and Chair of the Communications and Fundraising Committee. Leigh is a Certified Professional Mediator who passionate about helping people resolve conflict. She focuses on family law mediations and is listed on the Idaho Supreme Court roster of child custody mediators. Leigh has a deep communications background and extensive experience solving complex communication challenges. Here are a few questions IMA posed to Leigh with her responses:
Q: When and why did you become a mediator?
A: I earned my professional mediator certification in 2021 because I enjoy helping people resolve conflict.
A: I have been a member of IMA for 4 years (I think). I joined IMA to be at the forefront of mediation in Idaho, become a certified professional mediator, and connect with the mediation community.
A: I focus on family law, such as divorce, parenting time, elder care as well as landlord-tenant, small claims, and restorative justice.
A: I enjoy long walks, hiking, travel, and time with family and friends.
A: Don’t be afraid to reach out to other mediators for feedback, and be a mediator who is willing to share your insights. I am fortunate to have had mediators share their expertise with me.
Q: Is there anything else you would like us to know about you?
A: I was a communications executive for many years prior to working in mediation.
A: Chocolate is my therapy!
Thank you, Leigh, for participating in our IMA Member Spotlight!
The annual election of officers and directors of the Idaho Mediation Association will be held via online vote from October 6-12, 2024. The following positions will be elected to serve for two-year terms:
President Secretary 3 Directors
President
Secretary
3 Directors
President and Secretary candidates must be CPM members who have either served on a committee for two years or previously served on the board of directors. Director candidates must be CPM or general members in good standing.
If you are interested in nominating yourself or someone else, please complete the attached form and submit it to admin@idahomediationassociation.org by September 15, 2024.
IMA Officer and Director Nomination Form
Welcome to IMA Member Spotlight, where we take a closer look at individual IMA Members and what inspired their career in mediation.
Meet mediator David Pelligrinelli, an IMA board member and owner of Eagle, Idaho-based Telemediator.com. An individual of many talents, David is a licensed private investigator, a certified real estate title examiner, a licensed commercial insurance producer, a licensed building general contractor, and a certified commercial surety bond producer. He brings his diverse background and creative thinking to his work on the IMA Board.
Here are a few questions IMA posed to David with her responses:
A: In 2022, I became a mediator to facilitate the resolution of conflicts in business contracts.
A: Topromote a more widely adopted understanding of mediation among the general public.
A: Corporate conflicts and financial disputes.
A: I enjoy off-road driving.
A: Look for the existing common ground and build upon that commonality.
A: Almost everyone has something they could use a mediator for, almost always.
A: I've climbed to 10,000 feet above sea level and enjoy diving to 300 feet below sea level.
Thank you, David, for participating in our IMA Member Spotlight!
For more about Telemediator.com, visit https://telemediator.com/.
To learn more about becoming a certified professional mediator, click here.
Meet IMA board member Melissa Bishop, a certified professional mediator (CPM) and a certified direct service provider (DSP) through the Idaho Domestic Violence Council. In addition to mediating, she facilitates domestic violence programming for individuals convicted of domestic violence or domestic violence-related crimes at Trivium Life Services. Melissa brings her extensive criminal justice background (12 plus years) and experience as a responder to her conflict resolution work.
Here are a few questions IMA posed to Melissa and her responses:
A: I became a mediator in 2022 because I want to help individuals learn how to communicate in healthier ways and resolve issues. I also wanted to challenge myself professionally in another area of practice.
A: My practice areas include child custody, small claims, evictions, and neighborhood disputes.
A: I enjoy anything with my family. We love to camp, hike, boat, and fish.
A: Show up authentically and encourage those you work with to stay future-focused. Q: Is there anything else you would like us to know about you?
A: I love spending my time with my family and friends above all else, and enjoying the beautiful state we live in!
A: One fun fact about me is that I have been pepper sprayed and tased for training purposes.
Thank you, Melissa for participating in our IMA Member Spotlight!
Welcome back to IMA Member Spotlight, where we take a closer look at individual IMA members and why they became a mediator.
We are taking a closer look at Idaho Mediation Association President Terry W. Petty, CPM and owner of Moscow, Idaho-based Peace-Full Solutions RE, Inc., which provides mediation services and trains leaders in conflict management concepts and strategies. Terry has a Master of Arts in Negotiation, Conflict Resolution, and Peacebuilding from California State University, Dominguez Hills. His professional experience as an ordained minister, real estate broker, and former president of the Grand Teton Mediation Association brings strength to his leadership of the IMA Board.
Here are a few questions IMA posed to Terry with his responses:
A: I became a mediator in 2009 to develop and enhance my skills in peacebuilding and peace-making.
A: In 2010, I joined the IMA to gain credibility by becoming a CPM, and to access continuing education opportunities.
A: I specialize in religious organizations, real estate, estate, non-profit, workplace, divorce, and parenting plans.
A: I enjoy umpiring high school baseball/softball for 23 seasons (and counting), riding my Harley-Davidson Ultra Electra-Glide, and sports like golf, hunting, and fishing.
A: I love conflict! Because I find great satisfaction when a conflict discovers a solution and tears of fear and anger transition to tears of relief and joy.
A: Together with the IMA board, I look forward to bringing increased value and visibility to professional mediators through increased credibility, continuing education, and influence to our communities.
A: Our home has a name, The Dove: A place of peace.
Thank you, Terry, for participating in our IMA Member Spotlight!
For more about Terry, visit http://www.peace-full.com/About-Us.html
Mediate.com is excited to announce a brand new, 3-day, online Workplace Mediation Training taught by leading mediators in the field: "Connecting Employees, Departments, and Corporations: One Conversation at a Time." Open to all mediators, the training is September 13-15, 8am-4pm PST, conducted online via Zoom.
TRAINERS: Hosted by Dr. Clare Fowler, who has worked with Google, Sirius, OSHA, DOI, and organizations in a variety of fields. Keynote by Erin Earle. Also participating will be mediators, conflict consultants, coaches, ombuds, and speakers from HR and management. AGENDA: The first 2 days of the training will focus on diagnosing and understanding workplace conflict, developing a plan for resolution, implementing your plan, and strategies for complex disputes. You will have breakout sessions with hiring managers from a variety of companies who will present a hypothetical workplace conflict which you diagnose and develop a plan for engaging with it. The hiring managers will then give you feedback. The 3rd day of the training will focus on developing your practice, marketing your process, and resources that will support you. PRICING: $495 early registration until Sep 1, $695 after Sep 1
Click here for registration and more information:
https://mediate.com/workplace-training-2023/ Materials will be available one week before the training, and recordings will be available the day after each session. Please let us know if you have any questions, and we hope to see you in September!
Clare Fowler, PhD for Mediate.com
Welcome to IMA Member Spotlight, where we take a closer look at individual IMA members and why they became a mediator.
Meet Courtney Lossmann, LMSW, CPM, and owner of Boise-based Rolling Hills Counseling & Mediation Services, PLLC. She brings her experience as a psychotherapist, court-appointed special advocate/guardian ad litem, and crisis responder to her conflict resolution work. The IMA is fortunate to have Courtney serve on the IMA Board.
Here are a few questions IMA posed to Courtney with her responses:
A: Over the past several years, I've provided psychotherapy services to individuals, couples, and families throughout the Treasure Valley. A common challenge or struggle often presented is navigating conflict. Through my work helping individuals learn new skills to address and manage conflict, I've found overall mental health improves. I decided to dive into the world of mediation to learn more about conflict resolution and assist others in developing skills to navigate conflict constructively.
A: I joined the IMA in 2022 to explore continuing education opportunities and to network with my professional mediation community.
A: My practice is focused on divorce and child custody, estate, small claims, workplace, community, and eviction mediation.
A: I enjoy traveling, spending time with family and friends, learning new hobbies, and attending trainings (I'd love to be a professional student :-).
A: Yikes! This is still a new area for me, so I don't know if I have much advice to offer at this time. However, I love to hear advice and personal experiences related to the field from other mediators!
A: I have six children ages 14 - 22, have experienced divorce, re-marriage, and blending a family. Although each situation is unique, I have an understanding of the challenges that often lead to conflict during these life transitions.
A: I recently attained my “Skipper” certification to charter sailboats!
Thank you, Courtney for participating in our IMA Member Spotlight!
For more about Courtney, visit https://www.rollinghillscounseling.com/about
Phone: 208-855-0506
Email: admin@idahomediationassociation.org
Address: PO Box 2504 Boise, Idaho 83701
